I am home. Well, to my apartment anyways. It doesnt really feel much like home right now. I just spent the past 5 days with Andy at his house near Utica. I hung out with his mom and grandma. I got to see a few friends I havent seen in awhile. Right now, out there with him feels like home. Anywhere with him feels like home. I miss him terribly.

I tell him all the time how much I miss him, but I think it makes him feel bad. Because he wants to be back out here with me, but right now he feels he needs to help out his mom and his grandma, and be there for them. So for the time being, he needs to be there. He will come visit here though, and often, I hope. He may come out for my birthday next week, but I have a lot of school things I need to deal with, so unless I really buckle down this weekend, that may not happen. We'll see.

There is so much that happened over the past week, but some of it makes me so sad that I dont want to write too much about it. I dunno. I want to write, but I dont. Argh.

Well, I guess you know by now that Andy's grandfather passed away. It happened around 3pm on Saturday, February 15th. Andy knew that I was having a friend from out of town over, and he didnt want to "ruin" my visit with her (Jen), so he didnt call me right away to tell me what had happened. I actually didnt hear from him til much later, and talked with his grandma first. He just really felt like he would be ruining my weekend if he told me, and that I would want to just run out there right away and be with him. And he is right. Not about ruining my weekend (cause I wish that he had called me as soon as he could have), but that I would have wanted to run out there right away.

I have known Andy for almost exactly 3 years and 5 months (September 17, 1999). I have known his grandparents for almost all of that time. His grandfather's passing really got to me. The last time I saw him alive was on February 9th, at the VA hospital in Syracuse. I am glad that I went to see him in the hospital. It was incredibly hard, but it turned out to be the very last time I will ever see him. Other than the 2 times I had seen him that weekend, the time before that was Thanksgiving, where he was fairly healthy (he had cancer then, but it didnt really show very much at all).

I miss him. It was very weird being at Andy's house, and his grandfather not being there (Andy has lived with his grandparents the entire time we were together, except for the time he lived out here). Everytime we walked into the house, I expected his grandfather to be sitting in his chair in the living room. Sunday night, Andy and I went to go visit our friends John and Carrie, and when we got back to Andy's around 11:30pm, we were in the living room talking to Andy's grandma, and all of a sudden I thought "we should be quiet cause Andy's grandpa is trying to sleep in the next room"... then I remembered that he is not there anymore.

The "little" things like that were what got me the most. For some reason though, I could not cry. I would start to, and would stop myself. I dont know why. I cried when I left the hospital on February 9, because I knew it would probably be the last time I saw him alive. But I just couldnt really cry at Andy's house. I guess if they had a funeral or something, I probably would have cried, but they didnt. Its the way Andy's grandpa wanted it. They might have a cookout or something later in the spring, more of a "celebration of life" type thing, cause his grandpa loved having cookouts, but they arent having anything now. I almost wish that they would have, I think it really helps the grieving process. I guess I almost feel like one day he was here, and the next he wasnt, and that was it.

I didnt see Andy cry or get upset the entire time I was out there. He said that he had his time on Saturday after his grandpa passed, and that was all he needed. I wish I could have been there with him for that. I wish I could have been there when he passed away. I wish I could have really said goodbye. But I wasnt. I feel like I got there a day late. I really really wanted to be there. I feel like if I could have been there with Andy when he got upset, that I could have released all my emotions as well. Sometimes I feel mad at Andy for not telling me right away. I dont want to be mad at Andy, but sometimes I feel cheated. I never got to say goodbye.

Speaking of Andy, I miss him. A lot. I was with him from Sunday evening to this (Friday) morning. I had to leave for three reasons, or else he probably never would have gotten rid of me.

Reason #1: I have a cat and a hamster here at the apartment that no one was looking after. I just was not in the right mindset when I left on Sunday. Also, no one but Andy and I have keys to the apartment. I just dont feel right giving keys to my mom. I feel like she'd be nosy and go through my things. I like my privacy. Does that sound horrible to you??

Reason #2: I had to work today. I called into work on Sunday, and couldnt do it again. Well, I could have, cause no one was really expecting me to show up... Someone got it into their head that it was MY grandfather who passed away. Sometimes I feel like it was. So oh well, they can think that if they want to. I just couldnt afford to call into work again. I really feel poor right now.

Reason #3: Big winter storm heading our way. Forecasts of snow, blowing snow, ice, rain, flooding, whiteouts. You name it, we're probably going to get it. As much as I would have liked to have been "stranded" there, see "Reason #1". I have pets to take care of, and no one has keys to my apartment.

So, at 11am today, I left. Not willingly. Actually, I had a bad stomachache that kept me running back and forth to the bathroom all morning. Probably nerves from not wanting to leave, and knowing that I had to. I got back here around 2pm, and ran to the bathroom once I got into my apartment as well. Oh well. Finally went to work around 3, an hour late, but who's counting. I worked til 10, and now I am back here. I have been text messaging with Mark since around 8:30pm, nonstop, and a little after 11, he called me and we talked for around an hour. He knew I was upset about Andy, among some other things, and I am glad that he called. :) THANKS MARK!!

Speaking of Mark, Andy and I will be going to see him in June!! Amtrak had an awesome deal, and with that, and some other magical items, we will be going to Florida for 2 weeks!! Want to know how much it cost us? You will be sick. Okay... here goes... $41. Roundtrip! For 2 people! We rock!! I am so excited to go on vacation and see Mark!! I wish we could have driven ourselves, etc. but at $41, you really cant touch it. So, in about 3 1/2 months, we will be in sunny warm Florida! :o) Time will drag until then. Especially with school. But, I dont want to think about school right now. So, I think on that note, I will end this LONG entry. I'm sure there was more that I wanted to write, but I was pretty much just writing what came into my head right now... I'll reread and post more later, I am sure. So, goodnight all!! Sleep tight and sweet dreams! :o)

then || now