Dont know what to do
5:24 p.m. || 2003-02-23

Well, it took me over an hour to work on the ice on my car... and its still not completely gone! I had to come inside though, cause I was freezing. After the ice melted, it made everything really wet, including my sweatpants and sneakers. The sun is actually out now, so it looks very nice out there!

I just read this entry by Andy. And I just started crying and crying. A lot of the stuff he wrote about in the entry I did not know about, mostly because I didnt want to ask and bring up painful things. And it just hit me and I just started crying. I wish I would have known all of that stuff. I wish he would have called me when he knew it was going to happen. I feel very left out of everything that happened with his grandfather. Like I was there for Andy since he found out that his grandfather had cancer, and then he couldnt call me when he knew it was going to happen. I guess I'm pretty upset about all of that. And its probably pretty selfish of me, but I just dont know why he couldnt call me. Even when his grandfather passed away, he still didnt call me. In fact I didnt even know until 11:30pm that his grandfather passed away, and that is only because I called his house and his grandmother told me. Andy was out. I know he said he meant to call me, and I'm sure he did. But I just wish that he would have called me when he knew it was going to happen. When everything started to really go downhill. I wish he would have called me. I just feel very sad, confused, upset, angry, a lot of things. I loved his grandfather, I really did. And I guess I feel like no one really thought enough to let me know that he was ready to pass away. *screams* I wish I would have known! I wish you would have called me. AAARRRGGGHHHHH. I wish I wasnt so angry about this, but I am, and I cant help it. I know the feeling will pass in time. I just wish you would have thought to call me.

I dont know why this is hitting me so hard. Probably a combination of his passing, Andy being gone, and I am PMSing as well. Bad combination. Its been such a long time since I've really lost anyone close to me. Three of my grandparents died between when I was seven to ten years old. The last "grandparent-type" that I lost was Andrea's grandpa, on October 12, 1997, eleven years to the day of my own grandfather's passing. Its just a weird feeling.

I know this entry is random, but I'm still trying to sort out how I feel here. I called up Andy at his brother's house, and bawled to him for awhile, and then we talked for a few minutes and then he had to go. Part of me wishes that he wasnt being so strong about this. If he is truly okay with this, and has come to terms with everything, then that is good. But if he is just holding everything in for the sake of other people, mainly his mom and grandma, then that is not good. I dont know which he is doing. I hate being so far away from him. I wish I were there. I just dont know what to do.

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